perfecta

totally relapsed today

I got into portfolio school

Man it's all just the same day after day

Or is it?

A big red light has been flashing in my head lately. There is more than this. I’ve let the emotinal and mental situations catch up to me, affect me. While I thought I was getting better, turns out, I was just a product of my enviroment. Hurt, cynical, and ready to declair that someone was wasting my time and just move on. Not miserable, just anticipating misery. That’s a way to live, but not the way I want.

So I thought about the last time things were just exciting. The last time there was possibility in everything. The last time I felt like I could step out on the street in the morning and end up anywhere in the world. I started to think about my friends, what I would do, what I enjoyed. I thought about 2006. I thought about the lost year that was 2007. I thought about it all.

It isn’t about tomorrow, it isn’t about today. It certainly isn’t about the past and I’m getting better with letting go. For now, it’s about right now as my fingers type furiously all over my laptop’s keyboard. It’s about the taste in my mouth. It’s about the smell in the air. I feel something coming. I’m ready for it.

I’m going back to shows, geting back to going out, listening to new albums… have made a lot of friends and I love them all, but I need to start living for myself again. Not that I’ve been having a bad time, but little things like how I don’t remember what its like to go to a concert alone and be blown away. I want that back. I’m taking it all back.

The momentum is shifting, I know it.

Also, i’m going to go observe a conception class tonight at CPS. I hope my interest demonstrates my enthusiasm for the program and I get in. I really do. I’m prepared to not get in, I won’t be devasted. But man, it would be nice.

Figuring it out

I’m allergic to something and I’ve been trying to figure it out. The left back part of my tongue has swollen and it’s really annoying. However, scientific processes and a multitude of tests have confirmed that indeed whatever is making my tongue swell up is definitely fruit related. I think it might be cherries, which is fine. I’m not a big cherry guy myself, but I do like cherry pie. I suppose a tongue swelling is worth cherry pie, but not much else.

I’ve had a bit of a brutal week, nothing I really feel like talking or blogging about, what matters is that at 11:30 on Sunday morning I can confirm that I’m okay and definitely ready to face another week. I hope it’s a good one.

My dad called me up when I was having an especially rough day and said “Look, as cliche as it is to say, We live life forward but can only understand it when looking backward. You’re going to be okay, I believe in you”.

And it made me very happy and feel extremely lucky to have a relationship like that with my family. Things haven’t been easy, they haven’t been on anyone, but my family is the reason why I can survive in this moment. They’ll never know how much I care for them or owe them.  The only way to prove it is to succeed and make them proud, pay it back. I’m working on it.

Something inspiring is coming down the pipe, I feel the energy every morning as I wake up. I know something is going to happen soon and I can’t wait to be here for it.

And I lit a fire that wouldn’t go out.
Until it consumed the walls and roof of this house.
Until all I remember was burning away.
And all I remember, you burnt it away.
Well don’t you take it so hard and baby don’t you cry.
Cross your hard heart and hope to die.
Don’t you tell me no more lies, you lied all the time.
Don’t you tell me no more lies, you lied every night.

./exhausted/.

by all, all, all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all

and then it stops and your body reacts days later than your mind ever could and you’re worried that your heart cant take the strain and you worry about your future because really what the fuck are you going to do now that you’ve accepted that art isn’t viable no matter how hard you try it’s useless but you keep writing and reading and perfoming and dreaming and traveling through the cerebral to try and get one moment of clairity and when you do it’s phenominal but most of the times you don’t and you’re judged, thrown away, used and treated like the paper tiger you know you are feigning a serious drive and when am I going to finish this book and how many people have I let down and I’m surrounded by a circle of friends and I feel extremely alone and I want to take up an addiction just so I can go to rehab and get away and just typing this pathetic drivel makes you feel like the biggest hack on the planet but it is so maddening to sell the lie again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and I’m so afraid sometimes but I love you, I really do, and I understand what that means now for the first real time and too little too late, and I wish we could heal without the scars for once and come out innocent perfect and clean but we cant because those measures are who we are so please understand how hard this is for me when I say that’s okay when every cell in my body is pushing me in the other direction because you know what, it’s never okay but it is how it is and that is how we are while we move and escape our our our our our our our our our our our our our our our our our our our our our our our our our our our our our our our our our our our our our our our our our our our our our our our our our our our our our our our our our our our our our our our our our our our our our our our our our our our our our our our our our our our our our our our our our our our our our our our our our our our

/.

sometimes I'll let albums grow

I mean really grow.

When I’m sure something is there but it just doesn’t click, I won’t delete the album. I’ll listen, in wait. Knowing at one moment it’s going to pop with me and I’ll be into it.

Arcade Fire - Neon Bible, welcome. I knew I never should have given up on you.

Dropped off my application, sent the email to set up my interview.

I am almost CERTAIN there are spelling errors or some dumb thing in my application//sample book. So I’m not going to look at it until the 23rd.

This just feels so right! Having this sense of direction has really turned things around in my life. I’m so positive with things, seeing a fantastc future in front of me in an industry I can absolutely crush in. Having the time to do my plays as well. Being creative all day.

I’m staying in tonight, playing some games, hanging with the bro. I like nights like this. I should spend them like this more often.

Oh and hey, Bryan Biggs has a really great website going at booksarefornerds.tumblr.com Hilarious commentary on up to date sports news. That kid is going places.

Starting my new job tomorrow

Well, it really isn’t a new job. Just a new place. Same job. Make sense?

Finding people apartments! I’m pretty good at it. And so, here I go, to one of those mills I swore I’d never work at.

Hello, my name is Kyle Ramos and I will be finding you your apartment today.

This depressing decent back into the workforce really has started a fire in my head. I’ve been thinking of going back to school. I might go back to school. Okay, I’m going back to school.

Even though I swore it off for years! YEARS!

The thing is, I don’t want to be the guy who is 32 serving tables in NYC trying to hustle his script. I am always going to write plays, I love it. I love theater but the fact is I also need to be a responsible adult. Life throws SO many things at you and while I may be mentally able to handle most shots I DEFINITELY am not fiscially able. No, it’s not all about money but it is about being able to support yourself. That’s what I’m leaning towards.

So, I’m going to start school this summer. Maybe sooner? Options are open. I’d like to go in for advertising. I feel like it’d appeal to my creative side aswell as give me a commercially viable IN DEMAND job.

Christ I think I just threw up in my mouth a little.

I keep validating it to people because that will validate it to me and then I won’t feel like I’m wasting everyone’s time. That’s a good idea, right? Nah, it’s the best.

I’m currently writing a short about people in a diner and I think I’m going to bring it to a party later this month. Excited about that, sure. Nervous about reactions? Always.

It’s not that I quit
It’s not that my poems are shit
In the light of the privilege of dreams
Alive she cried once now alive she screams
Shooting rockets

Praise be the delightful muezzin tending his flock
Praise be those alabaster hands running amok on your body
They love you in spite of your lame scene

We live in darkness the light is a dream you see
Shooting rockets